Chaotic Comfort

 

I'm up early, and was over come by tears for our elder, who had fallen in the bathroom.  I won't go into details. That all is what had me up at this early hour. Flashbacks and then tears.  Trying to figure it out and the thing is, there's no figuring it out or fixing Old. 

 The winds that blew around in my head were a bit scary for even me.  Especially about how they came on at such an early hour out of a dead sleep.  I think that's what scares me.  Pulling in Gratitude that we are not in the hospital and dealing with any broke bones is now were I can find comfort.

 And I wanted to get another dog?  I just thought about bring a younger puppy into the house with elder care going on and the ups and down. Gracie our older dog now has been here already, she's been through changes.  Sure animal therapy is good but not when it's chaotic. 

 This all brings me stress and negativity.  Learning how to let go of that is about  going through the emotional roller coaster, mine that is. This is not even figuring in the elder's feelings and what's going on through her head...not got the capacity to handle that now. Allowing the real rawness to be present and feel it there is a small seed that gets in there and the acceptance allow the Grace to do it's magic. 

Grace for me is the Good Real And Centering Energy. That's right I prayed for guidance to be lead and shown some way through.  That way was tears and morning pages, lots of them this morning and now I've come to the blog to share.  

By allowing all these difficult feelings to come up it's allowing me to accept them as a normal process.  I can see a sky that is clearer.  This acceptance of the transformation of our elder, is a surrender of myself to the transformation right in front of me.  Things are changing but it doesn't have to effect how I see myself in a bad way because I didn't know she fell. (letting go of guilt)  I can't be every where and all things for her.  What it has giving me is an opportunity to get closer to myself.  I can know now that there is a reason we, my husband and I are in this situation.  We are witnessing the totality of life, in it's awe-ness. 

A friend of mine shared about the broken parts of life turn into our wisdom. There is no fixing wisdom in itself is our education.  

So this stuff that has come out into words besides art is a blessing for the heart and soul.  I had started a different piece of art in the whirl winds of the day yesterday and came back to it after the moment and worked through some of the feelings about the powerlessness, trying to have faith and compassion and feeling very empty about it all.  Such contrast, it always amazes me the life stuff and art stuff.