Out of Necessity

I claimed  the day to tend to self, yoga, journal making, some art making and preparing for a few other things. When having the children around, younger years, I worked in segments and I've learned to do that like a Mrs. Master of Multitasking.  Running on empty mostly but doing it and I was in my mid 30's and still moving well in the 40's.   Around my 50's though the house started to get empty and my time was abundant to work on what every I wanted.( have a room full of collage artwork now)  The family members were growing and taking care of themselves, moving out and getting on to their own.  

Corvid moved in and well we changed and the solitude became isolation out of necessity for our health.  We didn't know what we were in for or doing.  We adapted into the online area and that's been fun and not so fun.  

Rambling now...but as I'm moving into my early 60's the space and extra time has been filled up with elder care and short bouts of Baba time.  Because I've always worked at home the grace of  pop into the studio space is still there but as we all know in life has changed. 

I have this instinct to protect it.  The process of creating is being threated by my attention need to be other place in my home and hard as hell sometimes to hold the thoughts, creative action for the times that are available when I'm totally exhausted.  

Disappointment steps in...and the bag of emotion that's brings.  

When the children where young I witness them growing and starting to do things independently which gave me more time in inches so to say...and I soaked that up.  Now with an Elder it is witness less their able to do and more need from me.  

I continue to have to accept and re-accept daily this situation.  Behaviors that are a life time in the making that are hard to tolerate but all that a loved one has.  Wow I never realize how hard it is to tolerate body noises...mostly when I'm exhausted...seem like all the time. 

I continue to ask why? and I'm reminded that I love my husband and at this time taking his mother in was done deal, (no $) without knowing all this....and I know we are not alone on this adventure there are lots of Baby Boomer in this boat ride, paddling out butts off.  Navigating the territory of eldercare is challenging and there is help, we know that.  Some financial situations have stopped, we tolerate it and continue to make peace with it as best we can.  Or I do at least because I'm the main caretaker.  

There are positives, in witnessing the eldest generation with the youngest in our house, Great with new grand baby...though I feel I'm cheated by having to share her, our little one really I don't but I want to blame and not accept again. 

I am able to create any time for short amounts of time as needed as always

I'm able to walk and exercise

I'm able to take care of my property like I was taught from my loving dad. Which I love too. 

I'm able to garden

I'm able to get out to support groups

I'm able to tend to her needs mostly with love

I'm able to teach classes in person for short amounts of time and online

I'm able to when I need to lay flat on the floor to stop over responsibility brain.  (You know the do more)

I'm able to be real awesome and whole in my life...you know that RAW stuff...

So if one is on this path good orderly direction is sought and I listen and I'm aware.  

Thanks for the reading.