The Best Way out is Through

Full Moon, 

Three questions, 

Who am I ?

Why am I ?

and Where am I ? 

I had to reread my answer from these questions that I personally visit every new calendar year. I had a day that you think would be great with visits from my adult children but I have to admit I needed to detach from being a elder caretaker and tend to self.  I personally had a feeling of running away, or getting out of the room. The need for my space is so important these days.  A place in my own home to not have every inch be center around the elder.  I'm not mad or angry I just am learning about the importance to take time out.  I might have been burnt a bit or just am aware of some personal sadness to as today is March 5th and it's my dad's birthday and the day my father died.  He really made a complete circle in his life.  So with many layers on the table all the time...I went to my bedroom and hung out there and read and pampering myself with much needed time out and rest. 

The whole day had me quiet, not in judgement or being critical just pulled in and in my thoughts of my past. I honestly have never gone through this mourn of grief over someone before.  There were a few other losses along the way as life chargers...As I keep learning life is a circle of letting go and trying to hang on. What to hang on to is the question....the best answer I'm receiving is to stay open even if there is some deep soulful heart tugged moments. 

I don't remember seeing this photo of my grandparents, The Lein side.  Those flowers and the ribbons hanging are just beautiful.  Stories of my grandfather's having a bullet through his hand and me young and seeing the scare as we chatted on the porch swing.  And the stories I hear of the first jobs picking tobacco in the fields from his father who came over.   There is a shoe maker and a farmer with building experience I hear too.  A family that worked with their hands.  

This photos where sent to me by my aunt Margie, Who I felt very close to and my cousin Caryn.  The one piece with my Great Grandma was with my dad and my Aunt Margie.  Or is that my grandma Lein...not sure.  The thing about sharing this on the blog is my sister is distant from this part of life, she was so many years younger it's like we have to separate lives. And that kind of stuff happens. Sucks but it's what we have to learn about accepting right? 

This is a photo from my Uncle Ed's wedding and my Mom and Dad.  There is a loss that's a big heart tugger for me, as I mourn for what could have been. Silly right?  As they divorced when I as 12 ish.  When your young you have no choice and they had a lot they were personally dealing with, lost of my sister Patty and my mother's unhappiness of life at that time.  Sad reality. When I see them together I see a part of me there too. Goofy as it may sound but a beginning, I came from these two people.  

I'm sharing this photos because they are with my father,  Our twins, Jake and Bernie...how happy he looked. 

 This was the photo on the funeral card it was a good one of him.  He was the baby of the family of 10 children.  

Her is the new family together not long after the divorce my dad dated Mary and then we all came together. Blended family, good times and some challenging time too. 

and I had to throw this photo in there because this photo made it in the local home town paper for Ice Cream Social at the School.  They might have been 2 and a half at the time.  

Wow....right now I just want to share that I do love you Dad and I know you loved me.  

I miss you.