I wanted to comment

Stillness and Small Signs. Northern Inner Compass words, I had wanted to comment on my own post the blog shared that it was way to long so now a new post entry.  

This morning I woke up early and got in the shower.  The take care of yourself first mode is back in swing.  I do sway sideways quite often these days with my attitude and self care.   The mirror in my face is everywhere with taking care of an elder in my home.  Especially my Mother in Law, I am grateful for her and I’m also needing my personal space. Hard fence to ride on.  I’m realizing how much of my day was quiet and on schedule. 

As I do my morning routine of gathering coffee, lighting my candle which I do love now as it’s one of those ones that have the wooden wick and it crackles like a camp fire. Inside early morning to this sounds is comforting. My morning pages are deep, sometimes wrenching and then the softness unfold and reveals the present moment. Back to my routine, I so easily am distracted, I picked a rock and this morning it shares it message, “Be Still” and I pick a puzzle piece with 12 step slogans and that shares, “Together we can do this.” And then I pick a card from a deck I have, and the focus is Teamwork. This teamwork is a strong reminder of understanding the relationship I have with myself.  The mind, body, and Soul.  Together it's about listening to the inner voice.  All three are to guide me/us.  The insecurities, panic and stress that arises on any giving day…for me creates this strong uncertainty and the feeling of I’ve got to handles this all alone and get on it Now! Reactive drama and small trauma/or tremors for sure.  Some thing needs to change when this keeps coming up day in and day out. Now I'm not on Zoflot as my MIL is so she's not worried about a thing, she has us...etc. 

Sitting still and looking at these emotions/feelings is a signal for sure that I’m not aligned.  No shit! The truth in these moments have many learning experiences. 

     I don’t want to be doing this job at this time.

     I feel that my learning disabilities are being tested.

     The feeling of being trapped enters in quite often. 

     The falsehood of thinking that I'm going to become this other person because I’m around the too much. I fight for my independence through the years of other mothers.  

Poor baby not getting what she wants, all about me tapes playing in my head. 

Not a good place to be sitting with oneself is it? 

I'm the doer, feel the raw stuff type,  so to being still and watching for small signs I sometimes need to be hit with stuff like I'm dealing with or a two by four. 

I do want what is best for myself and when the body is taxed, not good sleep and a bit too much white comfort foods there is a change that can be made there. And the mind is not in tune for sure and the soul is crying out…Might be time to run throw the gate and get back into Knowing thyself stuff. 

Be still, listen to these signals this morning they are offering you a path to change. When I have a pure and clear connection between the three, mind, body, and soul there is space to feel what I really need.

What do I need right now to feel well?

When I’m stuck in ought’s and should and musts, (stuck in the overwhelmed uncertainty of the future that has changed drastically in our home unity, I end up blocking my real emotions. Listening carefully to what the body mind soul are telling me is a simple gift. I know that it isn’t possible for life to be all Roses, that wouldn't be truth there because rose do have thorns.  I do have lessons to learn like working through this with the medicine wheel, I’m seeking the magic of harmony with in myself first.   I know being a eldercare taker is a challenge.  I might have look at my expectations of the present times to see that I might be holding that one way to high and need to be more flowing and flexible…for a over responsible personality and one that keeps busy to not feel.  I’ve got my work cut out for me. 

The signs come like this, and I do stay open…not perfectly but with knowledge of process and small steps forward. 

Oh I do have to share that in my morning pages my thoughts changed to, "what do I want my grandchild that will be born in April call me?"  I’m bohemian and polish and "Babicka or Baba" are from our heritage so I’m thinking of that.  But my husband’s great grandmother was called Baba.  So, would that be too Weird?  I would like to be called something different as we have MIL in the house being called Grandma, Grams, Great Grandma Ma.. etc. I would like to be defined differently. 

The ideas of this stillness have me continuing my creative agendas in the studio. Got a list going and checking it off.   I’ve completed the process of creating the artwork for the Living Contrast series.  I will be preparing them in the next weeks as of mounting them on the wood panels. And I’m ready to keep moving through the Hanging Scroll project/online class.  Life’s bitter sweets and the healing is always happening.