Anger, shame, criticisms to surrender and acceptance

 

Bloodstream, inspired by the song of Ed Sheeran. 

Anger this week,

Wow I had it the third time, Three strikes you’re out.  Not very happy about my behavior but it was a wake-up call.  The behavior of anger, now I see what it was about but in the moment I didn’t.  It was about the fight of self.  The identity of self and the who and what of it all is.

 

The shame of being a caregiver came over me too.  Oh no you don’t want that title now do you? You poor thing stuck in that role.  You will lose yourself and have no life. The end is so uncertain in this situation.  The shame given to many roles and jobs…wow, like a trash collector that comes by and picks up or garbage…who wants that job. Crazy what us human do to ourselves and each other. 

 

The criticism in my own home when my behavior went sideways.  As of you have an easy life that this shouldn’t be that hard.  Are you ready for this?  was another question which was a fair one to ask?   Who is ready to caretake?  It was an odd situation when it came about, and as adult children we can look at this as the victim and be in a situation with no choices.

Then came surrender and acceptance of this all.  Now this doesn’t mean that I’m jumping for joy. It means that I stop the resistance of the situation.  For what reason only my Greater Spirit seems to know I/we are in this role. Heavier on my end of caring for the elder, my MIL and my husband tending to the financial mess etc.  

 When sharing about where we newly are the well-meaning comments are sometimes hard to handle.  Sure, we are fresh in our roles and very sensitive, I should say I’m sensitive.  There are more of us tending to our elders then ever before and there are services we can investigate which building the courage to look at and filling out paperwork etc. with assessment appointments all comes with the situation.

Learning to hear it through is something new with comments as to hear that why you don’t put her in a rehab place…the reality is at this moment it’s just not that hard. One must get honest and that’s what had led me into surrender because I really wanted some peace about this.  When I’m able to be in the place of principles over my personality I really do much better and this wisdom came after my father passed in 2020 before covid hit us all. Be in the bigger picture not the micro of our personalities…there is always help and guidance with that small part as much as the larger ones.  The I of self continues to need we of us all.  

I’m a homebody anyways, I’ve always been, content at puttering around and tending to creative ideas and my art career.  I’m fortunate to work from home on most things but the teaching has been a blessing. I’ve strived myself on always bring in some money to help the family. (working full time hours for half the pay) and this has been going on for 27 years even while the kids were young in school, I worked around their schedules.  I’m afraid to admit I understand this segmented kind of working from raising a family so now seeing an elder descend it will be a new learning experience for me and spiritual grow too.

Working my program in all my affairs is a challenge and one that will bring serenity and peace to my small part of this life.

 

Working with week 3 of the Artist Way this time has been another, "Not odd but God moment."  I’m still home and still have a studio and still can send out my newsletter and still have a goal with my art that I’m making now, the dog series.  Small and manageable and still allowing myself to self-express and work through some feeling stuff. There are other ideas that I’m playing around with.  And there is whole lot of how important the next steps are, next right action and what is mine to tend to Questions.   

The quote from a meditation book spoke to me this morning and the encouragement me to write about where I’m at now.

 

We must alter our lives in order to alter our hearts, for it is impossible to live one way and pray another.      

 William Law.

            

                                                                                                                   

Sharing this video, the song has been my ring tone on my phone for sometimes...you know when you hear it you start to hmmm it and sing it and I love to hear it play out...sometimes I forget it my ringtone miss a call...silly I know.