Whole, Letting go and Wildest Dreams

 I am becoming Whole...I am letting go of so much baggage from my past....to Wildest Dreams. 

First off I wanted to have a image to share before my rambles, and this piece came together in a demo for a workshop I was teaching.  I was really amazed, in the zone is what I really want to say.  Not always do they unfold this way.  So happy to share this piece...and I don't know if I still have it, I might have sold it,  got to look into my art storage.  

What does it mean that one is becoming whole?  

Is it about Going  through all four season of life,  birth, youth, adult, elderhood? That's a good way to look at it, possibly. 

Wasn't I born whole?  When did I lose part of myself that made me feel I wasn't whole?  

With the years that I've been on a personal quest of inner knowing I've looked back at my past and tried to make sense of it. And yes there were many years I looked back and stared and stared, and ended up stuck in the muck, mostly my making.  You know the thinking dis-ease.  

Not that I wished any of it but it happens, Covid, father passing, step father passing, uncle and some dear friends passing.  Then husband gets Covid too.  But the reality is,  this all made me look at things that I've been carrying around you know carting the baggage ever where in our life and when you stopped it was like Wow...really you going to bring that in with you too?  

I shared in a some blog post  a time a ago about working the Medicine Wheel to work though my personal trauma.  There weren't all terrible but they did rattle my little life back then and I honestly didn't have tools  to work with or did I even know there was a way to deal with it all.  So by going back to heal my triggers and trauma means I had to really go into some painful and hurtful moments.  

I sat in my pain...didn't have anywhere to go to but the hotel room at the time when my father died.  I wrote in my journal and spilled my heart out.  I see now that I was able to touch a part of myself that as human's we don't always want to go through.   I knew I wasn't alone, a Greater Spirit was with me. I opened up a part of myself that I didn't allow myself to go. (you know keeping face-and keeping your shit together)  So I'll put it this way I have now felt parts of myself emotional, spiritually and physically that helped me realize I've become whole by accepting all the emotions, not just skipping over some and tiptoeing around and staying at times falsely in others.  So when I read what I wrote down at the dawning of this new year about who I am,  this is part of that process, acknowledging.  As I also wrote about honoring the year this is part of that awareness and awakening.  

Being a type 4 personality on the Enneagram I have Identity issue as I've been reading about and I some how need to keep checking in on myself.   Now not in a narcissistic way but in a way to keep my personal balance and grounding. Another issue is envy or jealousy.  Why would one want to write about this on there blog or share it opening...got to hide behind our behaviors. put that false face on right?   Well that came up yesterday and it was over something I saw. When I wrote about it in my morning pages I found out it wasn't about a person it was about skill they have.  And I wished I had it too. Reality is I do and will explore it but I had to do some looking back at my own past of experiences to see where MY Growth has been.  As soon as I realize the problem wasn't a person but a skill I was like Wow...you can change that in yourself and you can grow there if you really want to.  

The other issue was about some abandonment and well frankly I work through that too with a different growth process. Learning that we are not alone on this abandonment issues is a welcome comfort. You would think a person my age, 59 1/2 years old wouldn't have issue. Call me a late bloomer on the spectrum wheel.. Or a dyslexic that keeps coming in the back door.  We still get in but from a different perspective that's all...with a little lag time too. 

Well being able to do morning page about this and type it out for real and work through it in my day with some inner guidance from a Greater Spirit this gal is good and feeling as though I'm committed to my own growth and well being with wholeness and less baggage.  How's that?