Ending the North Direction

    

 Not sure if it's the cooler weather or what but feeling full and grateful.   The mindset of abundance has done it's job.  Looking over the elders in my life that seem to be popping up and asking me to take a look at them their wisdom has been interesting and ground for sure.  

As my adult children are all leaving the home, this is a wonderful time to look at this too.  I have to say I ended up looking at my three Mothers more so.  No blaming just what they bring to the table in my life and how at times the little girl in me struggles with the Mothers in them. What lesson I can learn, always. 

I shared yesterday with a gathering of serenity woman about the thing with the empty nest...we laughed which is so healthy.  I was joking about this "thing" it is real and they've written books about this and I have it.  Empty Nest Syndrome....but I've not brought any books...just processing through it is all. 

As the kiddo's venture out and begin their separate lives I can't help but wonder what they think of me. I've been the one that has been around the most as a stay at home mom, though working artist out of the home.  I know we are not to be worrying our pretty little bottoms about what people think of you but their blood right ? I want to be liked and loved by your kids... 

I thinking about calling my mom....I have to prepare for her, as to say I have to prepare to listen for about an hour or so as she goes through all the things she has been dealing with in her life...I would be the one just making sounds like, hmm and yes, really? Wow!  I would hear that she was very resourceful and like a bulldog with a bone, not let up on something till it was done.  I have to admit did she every wonder how I was doing?  being that she left at around October of just turning 12 years old.

Yes the young 12 year old is wondering about me...mom what about me? but she did teach me well early on about how to take care of yourself and she didn't leave me personal she left a marriage and I was left in a good secure home and school, I did see her often with my sister. I have to admit this is still some hurt but not like it was and as I work though this all it becomes less and less and love out powers the hurt with a deeper understanding and acceptance. This is raw stuff I know.  

I think about my step mom who for the most part had to learn how to give to more kids and spread the funds thinner through the family.  She has strong ideas and states her opinion often and with out filters. She was a pretty good listener and did care during the transition of merging families,  she was a social worker in New Mexico prior to coming to ILL after her husband passed and she met my father. it wasn't easy with her two young children and my sister and I.  I have to admit I was able to talk about a whole lot of stuff with her.  I tolerated whole lot and tried to do the right things. 

You just be the good girl and follow the rules...I loved my dad so much, I didn't want to see him hurting any more. Like I was the adult at 12 years old. 

My mother in law came into my life of course with meeting my husband then boyfriend Randy.  She took me in with open arms and I was tickled to have this happening.  I think I was 17 when I met Randy and left for Colorado ( 9 weeks Blackhawk Mountain School of Art) and came back 18 and ready to be his girlfriend.  A giving family and person my mother in law, and is probably reading this.  So giving... as the family grew and more children came we were so delight to have grandparents like them for our children.   They did an awesome job goofing off with them...coupon shopping was big thing and back then it was stocking up on toilet paper.  (So funny now too with the pandemic) My father in law would give the each grandchild a 5 dollar bill and a coupon to purchase the bundle of toilet paper and off they went in different registers at the store.   As time when by I had to distance myself a bit from the giving...as of too much.  Does that sound like a thing, Yes it gave me a season that I couldn't do it on my own as a mother and parent.  Ungrateful? no so grateful but a bit too much loving and giving. It was hard to turn things way and stay further way from them as I need to keep my independence. 

As I've been writing and typing about this in my healing process this year I'm faced now with being a mother and my children,(adults) leaving and how I'm behaving with them.   I know I want to give them the world still and full fill every need they have so life is easy for them but that's not go...Build up a kitty- funds and saving for something they want gives them more then I could ever give them.  A sense of self-esteem and accomplishment.  Teaching them how to do it themselves is and has been my job and now it's their's.   We are not bad or causing harm to them...their lives will be about building the person they are to become.  

I knows this all,  I've strongly taught this to them, but the silliness of the empty nest syndrome has a hold on me and I see it.  Then when I talk to my daughters instead of gossiping which I try hard not to do I end up talking all about me...ramble on and on...well I probably do that with everyone. I see their eyes glass over and their body language change....dang I'm losing them I think.  Crack a joke or something...stuff I think about...Over thinker syndrome. 

And the point where I want to voice my thoughts and opinions strongly about things and don't even realize it.  Heck I don't even have facts about what I voice my strong opinion on but I feel it from the heart and that's my compass on things.  It's like this really deep core that knows.  

With looking at the abundance, the resilience and the wisdom of the North (medicine wheel stuff) with my elders I can honestly say I'm so much like them its crazy.   But the awareness of the behaviors is where I will focus on.  I know I will not have it perfect, hell I'm human but I don't want to be abandon from my family as I've felt most of my life, either by the adults or by myself with sorting out where I think I'd fit in...I ended up isolating myself which was a major emotional, mental issue. 

I can give from the heart with no expectation or I can ask if they need or want anything from me as of help or something I can purchase...but I know mostly the presence of a loved one is the best. Really that's all I ever wanted was to be seen and heard. 

      Full presence. 

Sharing my life with them will be different, but the same as I keep learning about many things as my mind will allow. And life is not all about me like I need to show off all the time and need attention.  I just wished I was younger but the timing is now. 

     Share with wit and wisdom

Opinions we all have them, I've been letting that ripe for some time now.  I feel strongly about this and that...blah...blah...blah... You can go around unfiltered with this stuff.  Facts or no facts their is a time and when you're listening in a good conversation you will know when to voice your truth, your wisdom...otherwise it's not that big of a deal...people do find their way.  

Sounds like I'm growing up and maturing right...that could just be...

and I will leave it at that.....to be an elder is to clean up your past, let go of it all and to Just be, what grace and space and beauty is that.  A simple life...

Their is a new chapter for both my husband and I and we will be trying things on and taking things off...hahaha around the house now more so then before. (no extra people around)  The process of change and transformation is honestly a beautiful life journey of ebbs and flows, ups and downs and tide in and tide out...getting to the Real acceptance of this is the gift and blessing. 

I'm ready to move to the East now....

(started at the west, continued to the north)