Friday, September 25, 2015

Staying small

Over thinking, over fretting....end result best look good.

If I could do it my way and not have to worry about how it's to look all professional It would be play time all the time.  Every time I have to put the business side out there I feel all awkward. Maybe I need to hire an assistant to do that part. No I don't think I'll do that.  

I'm picking out my work for an exhibition I'll be hanging on Monday,  I can hear the words now from others....Oh Laura what are you all worried about?  You've done this a million times....why do you even go there with your thinking?

Because I'm a closet introvert....When I listen to Brene Brown's new Book on CD...I heard her share that she's a introvert too. Not that I want to use labels but I just want to understand a part of myself that emotional goes a bit crazy when it's in business arena. My youngest daughter keeps telling me I need friends....I have many people I know outside my home but do I want to take the risk to let them know how crazy I am or hear them tell me what am I worried about?

The Lonecrow thing.....My sister Patty was born with Spinal bifida, my oldest daughter has this but stage II Arnold Chiari Malformation of the spin. My daughter is doing well but my sister Patty had some complications and was paralyzed from the waste down. I was 5 and she 2 1/2, she died shortly after that.   I remember sitting on the swing in the back yard of this house on Dumham Road in Downers Grove, swing....lost and alone.   So young to start learning about death and loss. As I sat and swang on the swing the crows were calling out and I remember thinking....I'm alone crow mom and dad were trying to deal with the loss individually and  with the family from a very early age...I turned inward and sought comfort in my own self and nature. Add bit of a learning disability and you have a hot mess waiting to happen.

Might call it abandonment issue.... Moving from one home to another was a natural thing because my parents were doing the best they could...My dad was handy with fixing up house...learned that skill from his dad and brothers.  So in order to afford a house to buy they were the ones that needed some help. With this process of finding  home to fix and move into I was being placed in one school just long enough to make friends and then have to move on to the next one.   Must be what it feels like to be a child of a service/military family.  I made a few close friends but I remember latching on fast when I meet them so I could have a friend...stared my people pleaser early...doing anything not to make wave be kind and conform to what every....don't know when you'll be moving again.

A crow calls outside now....a comforting sound as I write this.

No abuse so I was very fortune, My parents were hard working good people.  When you're young and without tools to deal with thing it makes an deep impact on your life.  Though they were young I'm also a child of divorce so  again hot mess.

So what does this all have to do with staying small and picking out artwork for an exhibit.   It's a feeling of being on my own making choices about life stuff that triggers and tugs at my heart strings.   Can we be so connected like this ?   I really just want to be in the realm of creating, sharing how I do that and then after that let someone else take over.   Which brings me to my rocks I picked this morning...Pain = changes....and my slogan I pick from cup,  Let go and Let God....

I find I'm one that has to roomant in my head about things and try to get rid of it quick so I don't feel...I think that's why using my art to deal and get though emotional moment has become so natural to me. Realizing I'm scared of the end result of how the exhibition will be next Friday night...the unknown....Heck really that what you've gone and done is made yourself scared of the end result and how it might turn out.  Why don't you trust in the process like you always do.   Like this writing now even though I've done morning pages and been writing about I still have and want to get rid of it Now!  but it's a process. Feeling the pain or emotional state, making connection with the feeling and taking it around the block so to say to a healthy place of understanding.  And to stay small in my grounding, keeping humility, let go and let God dothe end result stuff.  

Opening up one's mind  and coming to a deeper understand is a wonderful gift.  Walking throw has been a courageous journey.

A ramble of words and now I've got the Hicups....too to face the fear of pick out work and getting it ready for the exhibition. Some may call it self sabotage before you get there...there being the end result but there's something more that happens...that gets triggered....I've felt the pain and now it's time to change and bust a move on the challenge of picking out the work and having some fun with it and knocking the series side out of the ball park.   


  1. Laura, I relate to much of what you are saying, although not all. But as a shy, introverted only child I've gone through some of this stuff. A people pleaser who never wanted to let people know the real me. Was sure I would be thought weird or different or whatever. Took me until I was 47-ish to start to let the real me out.....and it was mostly the result of joining an Artist's Way group. I have come a long way but still struggle with feeling different, not enough at times. Soooo......just wanted you to know that, while I haven't gone through all that you have I think I get it. You're not alone!

    1. Thanks Robin....good to hear we are not alone, our tribe it out there right!!


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