That's right when you look at the words, Think Big what do you think?
As I shared earlier in my posts here on the blog Fall is a time of big thinking...introspective work for me. Not so much planning but self-discovery.
As I go along my path....of self-discovery, projecting and reflecting... a few things stand out.
1. I have always needed the time and space to self express, sounds strange but it's always been about creatively responding and acting upon life. Be it with creating a safe environment for my family to expressing on a piece of paper with some tool or tearing to see the torn edge. When I was young I would spend hours in a sand box and page after page in a color book....Educational challenge parents keep life simple but wonder fill with problem solving skills I feel blessed. What I wasn't able to say in words I would be able to say with drawings, color and sculpture very early...I'm really grateful for the opportunity that was always presented...freedom to self express in healthy ways.
2. Self discovery over the years has me questioning...."you could sell this" or "you could teach this." I could...couldn't I ? and that lead to building my work up and showing it a art league galleries...then on to teaching...blah...blah..blah...Mind you all self taught...with many struggles and confusion, hard stuff first then rewards of accomplishments through completion and full classes bonus...Art work sold.
3. Self discovery of earlier behavior that I didn't even realize and was really afraid to look at till the last few years. While I was going up...when I was 5...and barely can remember...My sister Patty, she had Spinal Bifida, she was about three I believe and had complications with her organs and well she passed but I remember her love and smiles and laughter...(big tears for a short life) I would color for her...I started young to entertained her as she couldn't get around like other children her ages. She was paralyzed from the waist down...I remember asking her what color next. A simple game was created worth hours of fun.
After her passing life was a bit of a blur and a new sister came Tina and then a lot of moving from one home/school to the next as my father kept making it better for us with the knowledge of building, construction and rehab...we settled in at a home in Downers Grove and there started a whirl wind of self expression...the sand box, the huge back yard....art supplies, and I spent lots of time drawing things...and well my mom did what most mom's do and proudly bragged...with my educational challenges on some levels I fall short but the drawing and creativeness beamed me up and I starting doing more things to be filled with that good feeling I was receiving. (became the teachers pet with construction paper and a staple over the big wide bulletin boards.) Though being made fun of all during a young life with your educational challenges, things get distorted and you take everything personal (big hurts) what comes from that is baskets of feelings, you're not like others or you're not worth beans...being alone feeling started after my sister died and with all this young distorted confusion trying to sort with big thinking it never went away...all not true is where I'm at and working on now.. . So Mom doing what she could, she would help me feel good about myself...she would praise me through my art...I felt shower upon...
4. Which now leads me to a big thinking moment...a place where I get caught up on making things for approval of others...We all know or are told as adult artist that we should make things for ourselves and don't worry about what others think. I've grown up with the need to feel better about myself and not realizing till lately that I really do need to create for me and not approval from others.
5. Here's the confusing parts...it still feels good to share a piece of art and hear a response to it..be it good or bad...Look at what I made...but the other realization is one can get way out of balance with this and get caught on a wave of comparing and trying to do the next best things...caught in the "Marketing of Your Wares War" But if one is going to keep creating art that is OK and some people buy it they will need to work on the balance parts of this all..never easy... what I tend to do is be quick about getting things out there and all over the place not bad but with my learning challenges it could still hurt me personally...and well shall I say "that's life baby" deal with it, grow with it, or let it all go...I choice to grow with it...because I believe in "it"
Much work still to be done and more self-discovery and self-expression...I can't help but think about the book Wild, that I, a slow reader read like digging into a delicious meal, I so related to the journey part. And from a life longing and learning of Native American's ways...there are paths and road to take...and I hope to stay on the Good Red Road...where I sway from side to side learning..with self awareness to life around me instead of falling short on a Black Road of self destruction. This won't be the last time I go back to move forward...on with more of the "Big Think/Artist Introspective work. Because we know it's a journey of self-discovery.