Monday, December 02, 2013

What I wanted, isn't what I got, but I have what I need.

Recently I had a small chat, well more like me voicing my opinion.  And it has to do with who supports you and the people that we want to support us but don't or at least not the way we Want them to...That's the big word, Want.   I know in my artists brain I have a wild imagination that things are going to play out and why wouldn't they...it sounds and looks like a good plan/idea. Stuck in an really strong illusion.  

But it's not the way it usually plays out. Here's what I said and it may sound like it's being mean to my elders but it's a truth I needed to face and just recently come to grips with.  My parents will not be the support system I want...At this point in my life they are so busy trying to care for themselves with little money and care for their sick spouses that they have no time to be the kind of support I'm looking for...Wow this really sounds like I stuck on myself don't it?  what about me...I need attention kind of immature stuff.

A long time ago I ventured out and started creating collages, and then showing it and then teaching it and all along there was support but not like I wanted it. And you might ask what is it I really wanted from them....Oh... here goes....I wanted them to be soooo into my art and really like it and understand it and be right there with me on my thought process and really connect. So much so that I could hold some deep conversation about life and everything I felt that went into my artwork. Wow, now that I write that all out it's an expectation that would be hard for anyone to fill.  

So in my chat this past week I blurted out that my parents are not going to ever be that support. I was right but to hold on to thinking that there is something else I could do to gain their support or some goofy kind of approval for what I do the way I want it was cutting a knife through an illusion I had...lately it's a break through of understand I gain. Getting to the heart of the matter..

Right or wrong it's a place of truth...realizing no one could ever fill those shoes is what I was hit with like a flash of light and a calm duh....Gosh why didn't I see this before...? I'm old enough to.

What I've received is the time and space to create, loving support of freedom for me to work through the ugly stages of creating to some really great piece and back to exploring a new directions. The respect and truly the trust in my ability.

What I realized is all the while I was getting what I needed, I found this out along time ago, that the place that feels good and right was to create...create happy, create sad, create mad, created disappointing I learned early on that creating was a way for me to handle life,  I'm really thankful I didn't take on the block that I had to be just right to get the support I thought I wanted....for whatever reason I was drawn to create something and when I create I receive what I needed not what I want and what I need is so much more important then waiting around for something that can't be.

Start and do what ever it is you want to give a try. Don't wait around for support or approval and get caught up in someone else ideas and the way they think....cut through the illusions and see truth that if you're waiting for what you think you want....you're setting yourself up for some major self sabotage.

I continually have to check in on myself and see what it is I'm expecting and what is real and happening now so that I don't get caught up in a "mica of muck"...Their is a plan for me and my creativity I get hints of it and then blank canvas moments, which now I'm realizing are rest spots but with the help of a Greater Spirit then I....I'm lead where I need to be.   Learning to trust is something like love that always needs to be work on. If know now that darn fear will steps in but I don't have to throw faith right out the window. I can check on the wants and see if I don't already have something better in the needs that are taken care of.

I write this out for my understand and if anyone else gets it, that's good.

Well I think I've rambled my fool head off now...

I've heard that I can get a bit deep. 

6 comments:

  1. I didn't understand everything about this post ( my english isn't the best) but I think that the artist is always alone the most of the time (even when we meet other artists!)... there are just a few souls which understand the artist's mind and the struggles an artist have to fight deep inside .

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  2. Anonymous11:26 AM

    I read your blog everyday and enjoy your soul searching. I am struggling also with trying to do art work. My son is also struggling with wanting to much from other people instead of looking inside of him to full fill his own self. I will share with him your views and hope this helps him and me. Thank you.

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  3. I am always amazed by how you work through things and figure things out Laura! I guess it's always best to try and stay focused on what we DO have and not dwell on what we don't have/wish we had. Sometimes I am just thankful for the support that comes in the form of leaving me alone and letting me do my thing! It would be great to have more.....the deep interest and understanding of our work from our loved ones but.....many people just don't know what to do or say. It doesn't mean they don't love us! I have to remind myself of these things regularly too!

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  4. Loved this post, Laura. I can sure identify with it and will respond...class today, so rushing. Also love your explanation about the squirrel's nest...why didn't I think of that! Love it!

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  5. I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your posts and following along on your artistic/life journey. I have a total unrelated "art technique" question I've been wanting to ask. I've tried using tissue paper in my collage work but I am having some difficulties. When I paint it myself, it sticks to the surface it's on and when I try to pull it off (when wet), it tears to pieces, (when dry) it sticks and won't come up. Do you paint your own tissue paper or are you using precolored paint? Any advice would be very welcome. Thank you. Happy holidays.

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Thank you for stopping by and viewing my collage chatter, many creative blessings and peace to you and yours
~v~Laura