Saturday, October 24, 2015

Which Train you taking?

I'm not sure if this is good or not but I've been cautious of it.   To stay true to what is coming through me as I venture this silly creative life I've stayed away from looking so much at art on line.  I know there's some beautiful stuff out there but when I do I get a bit wonky with my thinking.

Then one hears it's important to know what's going on out there to know what is happening in your art medium and the art world...the business side that can mess with your head too...but maybe it's just me..

Where am I going with this??? good question.  I know myself and I can so quickly get derails from a direction I think I'm to be heading in.  Like the wind wisps me up and then I'm off over in the tall grass prairie then being under the big Oaks. And some might say go with the flow...which I do that a whole lot too.  Having certainty, the know...verses the Unknown life time quest.

To much information coming in and I can't hear my own creative spirit and connection to my heart. I thought I was the Mrs of Multi tasking but I was really just fooling myself...as I enter into very unknown territory I'm not able to handle things....I get to frazzled and I like things to be more manageable...Certain.   I've been saying Yes to new Unknowns and it's scary as shit...but I've got a connection and very very grateful for that continual connection-Spiritual.    Lets say it's like picking up a phone when ever you can and just spilling out your uncertainties and then asking for help...knowing you can't do it alone...I've had to stop and reflect a lot more these days...because fear so quickly overrides this gals thinking.

For my first workshop that I'll be flying to another state to present I am very blessed to be working with a woman Jan S.  We have freely communicated back and forth for a good 6-8 months, She has held my hand...and also had said yes herself to be the president of their Art group, big job for her, that I'll be coming to very shortly.  Also I was able to afford my two daughter to come with me to Arizona...so I don't have to travel alone for the first time...they both have recently travel on the a plane.. As people see or hear this....they are excited for me and I want to be excited too...so I'm trying my hardest to see adventure.

And today....I'm so excited and scared to venture into the fashion arena at the Stylemax- Merchandise Mart with two friends that are willing to come with me.   Venturing off to the woods and not think of anything at all but venture into the City, parking and lots of overwhelming energy to see  fashion and to see some of my artwork on a designer line of clothing...I realize this is a flash of a moment but it's still new and unknown. I don't have to do it alone and I'm so very grateful my two Art Tribe buddies are come with.  I do believe help has come with simple needs being addressed and support available.

I've done my share of morning journal writing about things and really trying to get the story straight for my own thinking...going wonky is no fun.   Stopping a train before it derails means you have to be aware.  Aware that there are thoughts coming in and you have a choice.  You can choose the train of fear....despair...dread...judgment of self and others...frustration etc....and rest of the negative cars that follow that train engine.   Or you can choice a train of faith.   No not going religious on you but pulling from that connection of something bigger then self and how that can keep thoughts be gentle and kind.

At a times like this before I would beat myself up...major self-doubt....Oh on the blog here I'm sure you've seen the pattern.  The roller coaster of emotion pain brought on my fear.  Where did that get me, the illusion of....If I beat myself up before then it won't hurt so bad when it really happens...projecting the worse in life...Wonky town right.  I see it...that I do this and it's not pretty...Lets say I am the worse thing that happens to me the nasty thinking I do to myself. Will have this mastered soon I hope so but in the mean time....

I've realize that something...A greater spirit of sorts...some days it's God others it's the Great Spirit doesn't want to see this kind of behavior I'm doing to myself... Heck no one want to know that this is going on in anyone else head...that's cruelty but we do it. Those that I admire have shared with me some wonderful words...and what I'm also seeing is  things may be tough,but they don't have to be rough.  I can pick up the phone at anytime and ask for help even if it's my imaginary one that connects me right to the main source of good energy. Our minds are a powerful thing...working on the positive is so much more exciting.

Choosing to stay on the faith train is a newer venture that I'm training myself to stay on.   When anxiety is great because the unknown is to overwhelming I walk...walk in the woods.  I writing too and about all the negative to the point that I see how crazy my thinking is and then I seek guidance. I'm grateful for my home, family and very much the simple things like being able to self express through paper, color, shapes and line etc.

I know I'm rambling and it's a combine of words...but there all of me that I continually have to make peace with daily. Being in faith trusting in a unknown when you feel the unknown pressing upon you is crazy...our natural instinct would be to do something and do it now...this is uncomfortable...fix it damn-it.   But at that point of making a choice to go one way or the other...I've been leaning into the unknown....as they say...and More gets revealed and then your unknown is known.

Training our thinking is not easy...but choosing fear all the time is boring....I heard that from Brene Brown's new book Rising Strong...

I will be venturing out on to new territory and there are people there that will be with me and I with them and together new experience will be made and Life will be that much more better for all. Unity and Connection give a wonderful sense of Belonging.




1 comment:

  1. Laura, I certainly understand your trepidation, but you're such a good teacher, you'll be wonderful in Arizona!

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for stopping by and viewing my collage chatter, many creative blessings and peace to you and yours
~v~Laura