Not up to par.....taxes.....working behind the scenes...

After tackling the Taxes and get them out of the way I wanted to go into hiding.   So hard to understand when for years you have gotten a nice little check back from the government and this year is the first time nothing it coming back but more has to go out....So disappointment, don't know if it was the crush of that situation or if I was personally crashing...Lets say a combination of both. The husband and I work hard and are hard workers barely making things meet but doing it and to get a blow like that....set the tone for the weekend.   I want to run away...seems it's the spring thing to do or close to it and kick up your heals and forget about every thing I guess.  For me I've turned to my work as of turning the feeling of disappointment and loss around and keep it moving forward.   I spent all day up in my studio working through a portion of my on-line class I'll be launch soon. No date set yet....it's a bit different then a real class...more information needs to be typed up and image of the process needs to be made or gather from my files some where on this lap top. Always a find time trying to remember what I filed it under.   So taking the disappointed feeling and turning it around has given me some balance.

As I look at these little collage sketch book sketches I see that from a while ago Red was a color I used a lot of...or was it all that was available in the magazines I picked from?  Good question and just sketches...

After going through this all this weekend I have to admit I also have doubt...about where I'm going and why? If it was a as easy as it was when I was young to fill out an application and turn it in and come back showing the manager I really would like  this retail job like I did when I was yearly...I would be doing it...but not everything has to go through the computer and be so impersonal...  Then I read this out of one of my morning mediation books.

Doubt is an unavoidable companion of spiritual seeking. And that today I will remember that uncertainty is no a fault but an opportunity. Everything I do and everything that crosses my path - people, situation, ideas-all have the potential to contribute to my growth and understanding. Just for today, I don't have to know what that contribution will be.

There lives more faith in honest doubt, Believe me, than in half the creeds. Alfred, Lord Tennyson. 


Part of a journey I've been on for a good 5 years has also been about my own spirituality and little do I know I'm right were I need to be.


There always comes a time when you stop and question is this the path am I to be on?..make collage art, or teaching collage art...etc. I'm understanding its the process, a point where you can stop a moment and question just as I'm doing and sometimes not knowing you still move forward on faith that this what your to be doing.  The swaying from right to left is a way to walk a good red road in the Native American cultures. The swaying from one side of the path to the other is way to learn, mistakes, doubts and all are our gift to guide us.   That is if we look at them that way.   I know I get a case/sickness of "Oh poor me's" when this all starts to happen and come upon me...Feeling not appreciated and sorts. Which some may be a bit true but more so it's about doubting myself.

What I've found most true is what the doubt really is....Julia Cameron Shares this in one of the many books she's wrote and this is my understanding of it all...Doubt is a way for you to stop...step back and gather the strength and energy for the next ride you'll be taking. To evaluate what is working what isn't and make the adjustments.

I never wish this whole doubt things to come but it does all by itself with out me knowing its about to happen...I stumble, tumble and roll, crawl on my hands and knees, feel like I got hit by a train and let go...lay flat and feel a bit defeated...then something happens....be it a strength from outside myself or just really stopping that I get a chance to regroup...reflect and see that it's all not that bad.

It's not an tsunami...my gosh really Laura...get up off you back and get moving.. Personal pep talks I have with myself.

So Jumping into the writing of things and setting up the steps to take for this basic design class is where I was all day.  Though we owe our lovely government $$$ it still was a feeling of accomplishment that I did the taxes and got that all done when I said I would and with in 4 hours too.  So now I can meet two more tasks this week with some wiggle room and with having a lot of pressure off my shoulders. One of the worst things to have happen to me is have something to do and have it eat at me for not being able to get it done...Terrible type A personality....you know the type....checking things off the list left and right.

OK I think I rambled enough about "oh poor me" on with a good Sunday breakfast for the whole family...I'm cooking!!!