The Sad Freedom

Anticipation 

18 x 18 collage on watercolor paper

 I've wanted to type and allow words to come up but I've been hesitant to do that.  My husband mother and brother have been struggling in many ways, very toxic and other ways financially too.  Addiction and Mental illness is not a pretty sickness.  I'm sure that in everyone's family there is some one that has or is in the sickness, the dis-ease of life. Reality is in your home it spreads around like you stepped in something and every where you go it's left a bit of it behind for your loved ones to deal with. 

Back at the end of June, my husband and I had a major change, his mother became legally blind, and that left no one else to take care of her because her other son was in jail for some of the things he did in his sick state.  It was trauma fest and we learned hard and fast how to take care of her.  For about three months then she wanted to go home to be with her youngest son, that has lasted just a little over three more months. They were enmeshed. It may not have been a good choice but who could know. 

On her birthday, November 25th, after an afternoon visit to help them both with doing bills and help on the internet with something that my husband brother needed to get done...they went for a nap and we went home. 

At about 5:30 that same evening we received a call for the us to call 911, and that my husband brother was trying to attempt suicided. I called 911 and my husband went over to her house. Not pretty and his brother ran away.  At this point he has not been found, the case is open and he's consider a missing person. Bloodhounds, drones and many police and fire personnel came to help search. His three adult children continue to search along with the police to this day. 

My husband mother is with us again, and it is a whole different attitude and principle of life going on.  His brother must have been dealing with demons far greater then any of us ever knew.  Years of drug and alcohol abuse. Many spilt marriages and adult children that didn't want to see him for the last year.  Behaviors that had him in court non-stop and money being shelled out for that.  All the while my MIL was trying to help him by provide a roof over his head, working two jobs (at the age of 84) and still couldn't pay her taxes...so things are unfolding in our lap with this all.  

It's the time in our lives that we are empty nesters and there is a grandbaby coming in April 2023.  The ability to be present to this all will be a hard challenge to ride out but also a whooper learning experience and a place  we will grow more spiritually.  As it is said what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, sad reality and we are in the spiritual muscle building stage now. 

Some in family might be looking at area's where they could have helped and now feel a bit guilty for not doing more.  Or put blame on the systems that were involved...addiction needs more then that to help the individual. Many have tried and tried till they were making themselves sick too. 

Life has its ways, no blame, no shame just a sad/freedom.  How tragic it is and the event of this all will be etched in the family hearts and minds.   No closure till he is found. It most definitely will leave an open inner wound, the sadness.  The freedom of this, from the way I'm being guided is there very well may be peace for him and those around him as how to help and deal with it all. Witnessing the family disease of any addiction is heart tugging.  There is more that goes on in the person and a family then what is visually seen. 

It's a sneaky disease, it's cunning, baffling and manipulating for the person with the addiction and the family members too. There are many 12 step programs out there AA, NA, SA, GA and there are Nar-Anon and Al-Anon where by working on ourselves and changing our own behaviors, dealing with the inner wounds of our own past can guide us to find peace and serenity.  It won't take away all of life's struggles but it will offer fellowship and guidance in ways one never thought of. 

I don't know how it will end or what to do next but to show up, and be of service and hold space for those that I can. Doing a whole lot of listening, no judgement upon anything that happened or should have been etc.  Allowing it to flow, and moving slowly.  I know my husband distanced himself as everyone else from his brother...as he says he is still my brother. I see it as the hell now in the hallway.  The family will get through and joy will prevail because life is like that ever changing allowing us to experience the spectrum of all our emotions. Staying open and feeling our feelings is a path that is real and taken one step at a time. The openness allows us to be present and alive for life, the good and bad, the sad and freedom.  Pain is enviable, suffering is on option.   Change is upon us always, this too shall pass. Just sharing...and opening the door to healing. 

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.