Time before and Time now

After my mom walked out one Saturday Night while I was working on a Science Fair project with a friend... parents got divorced, a shock wave to my world and I'm sure my little sisters too...( we don't talk about it...She's got her own hurts. ) You move on as best you can. A photo of myself on a bus heading for the 8th Grade trip to Washington DC.  

 I'm sharing this because it's time to do some healing about this all.  Healing doesn't mean it never happened; healing means it no longer controls your life.  I think I've been for so long here...If your wound does not heal, you will continue to bleed all over those who didn't cause it. There's a Big Wow for that statement right? 

The events, trauma and life, in all her glory of messy bits are given to learn from, we don't wish it...but it happens.   We adjust and  navigate this world as best we can. Through these years I was taught so many good ways to live despite how my parents struggled.  I honestly was oblivious to their struggles and that was a gift I see now. 

My life centered around the home, local places, big family reunions and to the Farm in Wisconsin.  Tending property was a strong activity, cutting lawns and tending big gardens. The life of adventure exploring of my neighborhood and the friends that lived it.   I can say that I had a good life. Simple life too. 

Morton Arboretum was never to far from my home and we did visit it.  I was married on the North side of Lake Marmo some 39 years ago. That was when you could slip in do your thing and slip out.  Here is a picture from a dear friend of mine, she took of me.   When I saw this I said there I am.   

Just about three years ago I spent a year taking riding lesson...My silly dyslexia got me messed up all the time. ( the poor horses)   I stuck it out till one day I said I'm done...got what I need out of it and time to move on...but I always love the beautiful four legged creatures so big and strong. When I went out to Colorado for a 9 week art school, Black Hawk School of Art,  I couldn't wait to get to trails and ride the horses for hours up in the mountains. Formed a nice bond with one them, a light tan colored painted pony.  

I thing this was a few years ago  I can tell by the glasses, out in the woods taking a walk...got a self in during cool morning. 

There's the girl again....gathering dried grasses....See there she is, Crazy but I see this picture now and I can say I do love the girl she has become...I don't think I would say that a year ago...much work has been done to get here.  

Aging as I should be....this selfie is June 2020...the pose has me looking pretty fit.  More character lines and gray hairs.  I'm posting these picture as I shared for my personal healing of hurts...This year with out virus would have been a challenge anyways. With my Father passing in March ( he died on his birthday, he made a full circle of life, that's pretty special) ..a man that I so loved and looked up to, I think of him often and especially while cutting the lawn or tending the yard.  My step father whom enriched my life in different ways and cared for my mom,  which is where forgiveness has been called again to tend to.. Then we just lost a dear man from my husband side of the family, his Uncle Cliff.  

 This is a part of life...death that is...What do that say...it hurts so badly because it shows how much you really loved.  

There is this independence about me I can see I've carried on from my youth.  I do need a large amount of solitude.   I'm quite content being my own best friend on most days.  Rambling, rumbling and rooting out deeper understandings of life as I listen to guidance from all around me and above.  

This morning in my morning pages what came out was that on so many silent moments in solitude I felt at great peace in nature.  The details that disturbed me just floated away...not really but my over concerns about them where given space to breath. 

So I ask myself....At the Age of 12, looking back Who where you?  

I was an observer, witness, a seeker. 

I was joyful one, and loved to laugh at my dad's farting you know.. Pull my finger kind of stuff...I still         carry this immature giggliness about a fart. I can't help myself...I will laugh sometime so hard I have             tears. 

I was a child that loved to learn about the Native Americans...and the way they lived, dreamed of a              tipi...And now I have one. 

I was a child that love to hang out at the waters edge, be it a Lake, pond, swap or a small creek. 

I was a child that loved the wind on my face when I rode my bicycle down the big hills in my                 neighborhood.

I was a child that loved home baked sweets...still do

I was a child that loved to look out the window and allow my imagination wander. 

I was a child that loved to learn and struggled but found ways to get by that. 

I was a child that also felt special to my Dad. 

I was a child that loved to hang out with cousins and larger family...

I was a child that loved the woods, farm and to wander. 

Why am I here at the age of 12? 

I am here because my parents wanted to have me. 

I am here because I am to grow up and be someone. 

I am here to learn and grow.

I am here to be a sister. 

I am here to be a daughter

I am here to be the next generation of this family. 

I am here to be a young women. 

I am here to take what my parents teach me and pass that on. 

I am here to prepare to live on my own. 

I am here...to be Me. 

And lastly where are you going at the age of 12? 

Good Question...where am I going... As I type this all out my thoughts were blank...at the age of 12 puberty has already started to make itself present and changes were happening...nothing series but I was aware.   My little life was becoming unfamiliar all by itself with out two parents making the choice they did.   I honestly didn't want to grow up...I can say now I didn't want to know more..my life was safe and comfortable the way it was.   So to say life change with the Divorce is really a place to put blame for a natural thing that was about to happen. All this stuff going on at a time when just being a young girl was enough. But it bring new awareness to that child. Can I have compassion for her and myself was a question asked from a meditation book I have. 

I was going to become a woman soon.  

I was going to travel by bus soon to see other parts of United States, Washington DC

I was going to begin a job of baby sitting

I was going to dream of being someone's girlfriend

I was going to dream to be popular

I was going to be even more creative with the classes I would be able to take.

I was going to grow, make mistakes and learn.  

I was going to grow up and start a family and be a mom like my mom who knew how to sew, cook, can, and garden.

I was going to have a farm with chickens and animals.  

I was going to be an artists or something like that...

At this point putting this up on a blog is me healing, exposing the parts that need mending...I'm so grateful this is all...though for me it was traumatic to handle, be it my personality and such...it's who I am and I own it rightly...A highly over thinker and sensitive creative personal that just love sometimes to damn much for her own good.  All this stuff gets to come out in my creative process.  And this year is one of transformation...and like when I was 12...I don't want to but I am working through my own personal pain to change...

Get a therapist right?   I have nature... and with a pen to the paper I'm understanding parts of myself I didn't want to or knew I could look at again. 

This morning I do have great compassion and love for that 12 year old. She's part of me Now! 

After writing this I read my horoscope and seeing the signs plan as day. 

GEMINI HOROSCOPE

AUGUST 20, 2020

Your mood may lead you to seek peace and solitude today. You may want to explore your past in order to deal more easily with issues in your present or insecurities about the future. As you examine your personal history, you may get lost in a private world of thoughts where answers about your life that were previously hidden are revealed to you. What you discover could help you gain a better understanding of your present reality and why you approach life the way you do. If you have a difficult time exploring your innermost thoughts and feelings, writing in a journal, exercising, or meditating may help. The knowledge you gain today could help you make more conscious choices about how to manage your life. Time spent alone with your thoughts is important and allows you to deepen your relationship with yourself.

Going inward allows you to see into your soul and understand yourself better. Our motivations, thoughts, and opinions can get drowned out by the omnipresent cacophony of modern life and the people around us. Periodically reconnecting with yourself helps you affirm who you are and what you want from life. You can explore your past, present, hopes, and dreams without distraction when you commune with yourself. Explore your inner landscape today, and the answers to certain questions you've been asking yourself will become clear.