What to do on the surface.

 

Moth in the House

24 x 24 collage on Canvas 

I remember capturing the moment of finding my spiritual way. Thoughts of doom loomed heavy and this was before the pandemic.  My husband walked off his very toxic job.  My thoughts were now where are we, an artist making small income unpredictable but over the years was a great source of extra for the unexpected expenses.  But not as larger as the bread winner of the home leaving a job.  I share this again because spiritually I needed a way to follow or path and it was provided.  Our times in this world were all very rough...and now I'm wondering about the way it's whipping us around. I will try to stay with my heart and that is now we have our elder coming around 7 months living with us.  She is struggling, had to stop working at 84 because of going legally blind.  Her health was going fast and then loosing her car, son and now in the path of losing her house. Which sound so crazy but a blessing for her and us.  The process of this when looking back has had us, her son and I enter into some really new territory on all levels, mind, body and soul. It is not our mess or life but we are the clean up crew and the line of it gets blurred so easily for me. That I get to the point of seeking the spiritual path more and more.  

Almost a week now I've been home from a 4 day workshop I presented and with the unloading and unpacking, moving quickly back into the house routine of eldercare and news of her court day for foreclosure, with the cleaning out of her home the last bits of stuff that is worth saving at this time. I have to admit I lost it....feeling like a corner critter ready to fall apart or attack wildly. Born under the sign of Gemini I know I have a warm heart side but I also have a nasty snarky side.  I've been jumping the fence a lot lately trying to sort and process this all.  In the past the experience of bringing it to the surface of paper has been a blessing.  Morning journaling to now the concertina sketchbooks, I have a safe place to bring the heavy load of life and make/create with it.  I surely don't want to deconstruct this life in hurtful ways. Done that before and wasn't to pretty.  

The moth seem to come to me when life is really heavy. It's not really heavy but it's like waves and waves keep beating on us.  It was my birthday last Tuesday and now our 42nd Anniversary and I have to say I do love my husband deeply but with this going on it's hard to allow it to flow in a loving and  gentle way.  There is a constant redirection of things going on to do but as I'm reminded the moth goes to the light...when there is darkness.  I'm reminded also that this life has always been a trust walk even when I was younger and now I'm older and have made it through some pretty tough and challenging things which in this moments I'm pulling from.  Recharging myself creatively allow me to know I'm still there and will move through this.  

Yesterday I received a message from the act of picking a daily rock out of bowl and it said connect the dots and today it says, Wholehearted...this gal got a good cry on and then brought to the surface and made lines in a loop on the page and dots under a roof...Needing some stability and connection I guess. That is what freely came to the surface when choosing what to do on the surface.