The coyotes are present

                              

 



Warning...Stay with me on this...it might be along one...

For the past two months...(which is odd but the connection I do see now)  There's been a lone coyote in the Cat tail basin...we've not had much rain till lately and this creature has made a home there. In the afternoon hours mostly when sirens from fire trucks go by down our main street behind us, we hear it/him/her.  Then Hank and Carl join in and there's this howling going on...Hank can carry out more of howl then Carl does. I truly love to hear the howls...

The coyote is a creature that has been looked upon as pest, something we don't want around and the human race over centuries have tried to kill it off...but have not been successful. In fact the coyote has become more adaptable to the environment then every before.  The Coyote has been also a messenger showing up when you need to right  your wrongs so to speak...as when your doing things that keep causing you angst and you're not listening.  They also make them self present when you become your own shadow or as some say "your own worst enemy."

As I went crazily forward on the Red Dot sale and flip...it opened some doors of inner angst for me that I so needed to look at and I keep doing the same dance "around" it. 

The dance of business...it's been instilled in me you have to be doing something...don't be caught not...I would hear...what are doing?  Get cleaning that room...or here's something you can do, go weed the garden...or it must be hard to have your job....so I work hard...listening to outside voices...

I heard that and it was in grained in me to keep busy...then go and add on top of it, my attention disorder, dyslexia and you got a cocktail for sorts. 

Being that it took me a while to get things... but boy when I go it I latch on and don't let go...but the need to understand something was always a fight and so I would find my ways of understanding and comprehending of what ever issue was brought up...also being a bit slower at comprehending thing made me over compensate so not to look stupid or dumb....Creating a whirl wind of self doubt, major over feeling and judgment of myself and others...   My need to understand myself has been and will continue to be a life long journey.  But when I get going and get to business I spiral and crash and then the whole basket spill over and I become my own worse enemy.  "Thing it I don't know how to land gracefully yet...working on it."

Now why would I write this out....well it's easier for me to do that or create through this muck...When I read the book Quiet...oh my gosh...Susan Cain shared about how Introvert will be good at blogging and putting there words out there but to be in the arena my red dot sale or an art reception or any place that puts you at the forefront of things it's torture.   I do it though... Why?  because I can  and I'm good at it...no ego shit here...I understand what needs to be done and I do...but I do it at the expense of a gut wrenching episode of inner torture and stress...then add Menopause on top of it and you've got yourself an inner train wreck... Well it physical feels that way.  I've been doing the dance for so long that everyone runs away during this time. I'm not a tyrant but I do get this attitude. And I'm like a fish flipping in and out of water I can't make up my mind and feels like I'm spiraling down. I don't like this feeling of uncertainty.

As Susan shares in her book, that a introvert can put themselves out there and yes they do go through some personal inner terminals(anxieties)  that they have to get back into a safety zone...not her words but mine. What she means is a place of solitude quiet where the thoughts and feeling and all the garbly gook can get sorted out. Introvert need more time alone it's there nature and natural thing....but they also can learn how to be an extrovert when needed....as like art receptions, or presenting a big show etc...putting yourself out there in the lemon light.  I do put on a good mask for it all.  Along time ago when I was into Georgia O'keeffe,  I remember reading how she felt leading up to a art reception during and afterwards and what she did to correct all. (ran to Lake or New Mexico)  Thing is self judgment now is saying, Laure just because you read that now your like that...no not at all I was very young and read this and know just what she was talking about... I connected and related. And kept moving forward as a good artist and ware the mask well...

To be continue......