making changes

This morning on the pages of my journal the answer came about to something I said yes to but felt uncomfortable about... and my gut was saying "No back out don't do this"....and then I hear in the head..."you can't do that it's a great opportunity." 

Then I read my morning Horoscope from Daily OM

September 21, 2013
Ingenious Creations
Gemini Daily Horoscope

You may be feeling imaginative today, which could be applied to creating a better path to achieve your goals. Once you have struck upon the right idea, it will resonate within your being, and may make you feel ingenious. You could find yourself wondering why you hadn’t thought of it before. It might be that the time was not yet right, or that you were getting in your own way, not allowing the universe to move through you. Distractions could have been sapping you of focus and energy as well. There are many reasons why perhaps you had not discovered this more direct route on the map to your goals before, but now that you have it in your grasp, you can move forward today.

You may feel like you have just unearthed a map to a treasure chest, and be filled with the exuberance of one setting out on a grand adventure. Just like when we follow paths on land, there are times when we cannot see the road ahead because our view is blocked. Once we arrive at a certain vantage point however, we may see many options revealed. Life is like this as well, because we may not be able to conceive of a different choice until we have attained the proper knowledge, skill or understanding to make it possible. Today by using your imagination, you create your journey ahead of your arrival, constructing your own grand adventure.

So this brings me to what are my goals...Reaching,seeking and putting into action a more spiritual, creative life and living in the present. Which after typing this out, it's a life long journey that can't be achieved in 6 months or one year...

I hate to answer this question but I do have them and use them regularly, goals that is...So the choice of this art gig-demo and mini workshop in a time slot of just three hours has been pass on to someone else...it's not the way I want to do things...conforming, contracting to something that makes me compress my whole being isn't what I want to keep doing...Saying No, the fight in side my head... it creates big guilt for me...as to say the ugly ego...jumps in and say's " what the heck are you doing...this could be big for you."  As you can see I do this dance in my head and question constantly and mainly because I really don't have anyone to bounce these ideas off of so I sit in my stew-pot of uncertainty.  So I would like to listen to the gut a little be more...

I'm afraid to make this public but maybe I need to....I would like to continue teaching a few classes and possibly a few workshops- God willing,  but the rest of the time be working on myself...What?  "isn't that what you've been doing?"  No, been trying to push so dang hard that I don't get a chance to really live...so the idea of a year of personal creation for me instead of creating for shows, for exhibits and etc...might be in order...Crazy as it I sounds I thought I was doing it but I've really haven't...I've been scrambling looking like it but not being true to myself...I would like to use the program I purchased about keeping tack of your art inventory.  I have had for many years haven't done a thing with and really record my artwork and have a good base started for inventory, now that I've cleaned out my inventory and it's small enough to do something with.  I would like to make more videos of what I do and just create in my clean studio space...I would like to walk in the woods more, walk my dogs more and be more connected and grounded...when I get to distracted with "What Artist Should be doing I get disconnected from the good orderly plan for my life. 

Life doesn't have to be black and white...it can be a gentle gray....which is where I'm headed.

Ok now that I've got my high of inspiration going on this I best get a move on it for the day...it's going to be a week of bliss in  fall air.