Monday, September 28, 2015

Keep showing up...ugly parts, personality and the safety of my Apron

Growth process....with the full moon passing I know I was totally effected by it's presence.   Along with a suit case of other stuff going on in my head.  I had a wonderful check list a mile long that I was checking off...taking each day chipping at it.  Spinning wheels...thinking I was all on schedule....when all I really wanted to do was get creating in the studio... bringing to life some new ideas.

Instead the "work side" of things took higher priority and as a dutiful worker bee I did them.  Crap foods slipped in and talk about a hot mess....You betcha a roller coaster for disaster.

Ugly parts...things that hang just under the surface and other stuff as I mentioned weren't dealt with because one at a young age didn't know how.  Self care is the best, Hardest thing to do and the first thing to throw out the window when things don't line up.  Yesterday morning with the on set of the full blood moon and lunar eclipse I took that as a time to re-line and balance my self. (Major morning pages, reading and walking..and putting back into the body good foods)

I've been listening to Brene Brown's new book-Rising Strong and Elizabeth Gilbert's new book-Big Magic and reading my Whole 30 book and get my mind straight.

Questioning Ego and Growth and the ugly parts in between as a creative soul I'm always looking for how to fix things and make things...and what I know is get back in up put you apron on Woman and get you behind back in the studio.   I had run around the house yesterday with most of the people I live with gone and did all the Next right things to do and then what was left was the thought about a 30 x 30 inch wood panel board that would need to be prepared if I was going to move down my studio project list.

The thing is before I could do that I had to move the artwork for hanging today out of the way and load it in the Van.  Nothing like moving the body to get it all going.  I had taken a walk in the woods earlier but pumping the blood a bit hard going up and down the stairs is like zapping me back to me.
I loaded it and re-parked the van in place.  Sweaty, I went to the studio looking and thinking space...OK clean a spot and get that big one out and get it ready....

In all the books....from Art and Fear to these new got to keep showing up. (F*^# the head stuff)

The truth is I wished I had someone I could ramble on about every step of the way and they were there to be my Yes Girl .  You know the one that is there through thick and thin and supports you no matter what.....Oh Shit...there isn't someone like that anyone close to you has run for the hill or  has a life too so who you fooling?    The Husband wants to hit me over the head when I go through a moment of self growth like I just did...

So instead of paying someone...or popping pills or drinking myself to death I binge on some of the sweets and whites and get off balance and then sway back into some good orderly direction to find out I've just shed another skin like a snake and I'm grateful I made it through the other side.

Why now does it happen before an exhibit or a big workshop etc?....Could it be Attention?....but the other is I don't know what to do with all that is going on in my head and heart...Best is to say Stop already and if I had someone like I mentioned above I would  scare them away....or what do you call it a narcissist, some times I question that....though I do have some personality disorders....I'm sure of but not to that extend...when I looked it up on Web doc . com    Who doesn't have a little bit of's called EGO...?  I was just told that by the husband....but good personality disorders...and just need to tone them down a sweet.

Well I'll keep spilling my beans till there's not to to do some yoga and hang an exhibit to come home and put my apron on where I can be at peace.

Back from yoga, which I do in my studio space....I look up a few times and see this quote stuck to the side of a book shelf...pretty well describes my torment....

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