What has risen to the surface

and about slapped me in the face.

As I've found from passed experiences, I learn best when I stumble, fall and whine and lay in my #%*& for a while...not a pretty site but it seems to be my pattern. Some times you have to fall apart and then get back up and take what you need and leave the rest to settle and move forward. Painful, embarrassing and darn right vulnerable.  Then carry it further and you can hurt others not what I want to do.  What starts this for me is never a huge things, just little things that eat away at you day in day out and then the prick a hole and seep in and consume your being. You lose sight of the big picture and the world around you... and takes over into every part of your life. Yes Saps the life right out of you...well I should say Me. 

My morning pages were long and seeking help and direction.   Loneliness traveled to being, though one is really never alone, there is a spirit there with you..in all living things around you.  Gaining strength and a nudge to get off my butt, I went outside and stood facing the East in my nightgown and robe, arm tucked in with eyes closed, inhaled the fresh cold air.   My thoughts were front and center...knowing it's the morning and a new day I found joy that welcomed and came over me. Listening to the sound of the Cardinals singing,  a flash of red hope.  Then I turned to the West while standing in one place and closed my eyes and instantly heard....the day is young and much time ahead of you...Don't mess it up with you wants and expectations, seek guidance I am here....giddy and shocked with the message I opened my eyes.  Questioning my thinking and asking "you fool, where have you been?"  The effects of the winter are bringing me down. I've been getting outside and walking even through it's been cold but still has me down.

All my life I've had a thought that I was to have a side kick...some one that hangs out right next to me and does all things with me. A buddy just for me...sounds a bit strange? I thought it was my sister Patty that passed away when she was only 2 1/2, little did I know how that effected me...I questions was suppose to have a buddy like that in my life...here's the kicker...
 -There is never a person that is to be that in your life all time- Maybe that's why I have dogs all the time flowing...being my buddies and friends. My young mind had expectation a bit skewed. I carried that into my adulthood always seek a person like that.  This is what rose to the surface this morning...


"If you want to work on your art then work on you life"...this is a famous saying from Julia Cameron.

So when I have moments of down-time/Crashing or stumbling with my thoughts meeting my heart and heart guiding my will and way. Stuff like this comes up for me to deal with. Our friends and family don't particular like to see someone in this condition and want them to snap out of it but there's a bigger message that needs to be work out that we can not know yet for ourselves or for another person. I know all to well...it's painful to watch.

So up to the studio the crazy bits need to filter out into something more then mental mind melt...they need to become mindful again...

Time to realize